Crystal Visions: Part I
The more I analyze and reflect on the situation the less I care about what it is that happened between us. More like the less I care about the way you made me feel. It’s truly unfair everything you’ve done. I was always so careful not to reveal my true feelings to you. Then one day it finally happens. You say what I’ve been fantasizing about for so long. I hear the words I’ve been longing to hear. They are leaving your mouth and I am not dreaming but awake. Your hand holding mine. I couldn’t help it; I just couldn’t help but give you that gaze. The loving gaze I just couldn’t control.
But then you say to me that you don’t want me and it’s unfair. I knew I hadn’t been imagining things. I knew that you liked me as I liked you. Your kisses always so tender; still so very tender. Just like your embraces; your warm embraces enveloping me with your slender arms.
I began a process in my head. Heavily involved in the ejection of our memories. The ejection of your hazel eyes which are so heavily branded in my mind. The ejection of the scent of your cologne, of the soft feel of your skin that day I massaged you, the print of your shirt the day we were out on the town, the sound of your voice when you make love to me, of every detail I had cherished about your being.
It’s so unfair the way you came back to me on that cold tuesday evening. You professed your feelings, you shared your crystal visions, you wrote everything I wanted to see. I felt bonded to you by this written agreement. A written agreement that you failed to sign.
On a cold and gloomy Friday night my best girl and I were talking in her Kompressor. We were parked outside of a church having a pretty fucked up conversation about the cruelties of life just moments before we would walk into a bar. Her boy was playing in a free death metal show.
My contacts felt dry and strange as I was crying. I was crying like a child who was hurting not because of any physical pain; crying instead like a child who had endured the emotional side of that kind of abuse.
I was explaining to her a revelation I had earlier in the week, “You know what’s stupid?” I asked. Tears were streaming down my foundation- brushed cheeks, “he’s my dad. He’s so much like my fucking dad. Es un indio (he’s tempermental). My mom would completely advise me against it if I told her.”
"Fuck that! That’s a load of bullshit!"
He was holding my hand and looked at me in utter surprise when I threw it away from mine. I got out of the bed, walked over to my shoes and was getting ready to storm the fuck out.
He stopped me and said,
"Come back, DD, don’t be like this. Come over here."
He stopped me.
- Framed In Blood- The 69 Eyes
- Underwater Love- Smoke City
- Off to the Races- Lana Del Rey
- I’m Not In Love- 10cc
- Baby Did a Bad Bad Thing- Chris Isaak
- Dreams- Fleetwood Mac
- Under the Water- Jewel
- It Doesn’t Matter Two- Depeche Mode
- Someone Must Get Hurt-She Wants Revenge
- Why Don’t You Love Me- Beyonce
- Shake the Disease- Depeche Mode
- Wicked Game- Chris Isaak
- That’s What I Get- Nine Inch Nails
- Tears- Chris Isaak
- No Reflection- Marilyn Manson
- The Shadow of Your Smile- Astrud Gilberto
Was I wrong to throw it all away? I wanted to like you I swear I did but the longer I’d stay the more I’d be kidding myself.
You would have taken care of me but it isn’t fair to ask that of someone if it’s one sided.
I want to be someone’s equal not someone’s Princess.
You see you’ve given me all the power and I can do whatever I want with you.
It shouldn’t be that way.
There was no intensity or sweet nothings but we were an excellent mesh. At 24 & 27 after only about a month of dating we were what was left after years of marriage.
We were close friends which confided in one another. We would put each other’s minds at ease and lay each others concerns to rest. We were honest with ourselves and served as each other’s mirror. He motivated me. He stimulated my creativity and was going to let me be a part of some of his. We were such an easy going pair.
Sex was phenomenal; perhaps the best I’d ever had. Staring in his eyes was everything. We were a fit where it counted and different where it mattered. I was a sucker for his mind. Was it the ideal set up?
What we had is exactly what I want to end up with. A best friend for life. Someone who understands me and doesn’t think I’m strange and instead stimulates my mind as well as my body. Someone who doesn’t judge me but tries to comprehend. Someone who motivates me to become a better person. Someone who I can admire and grow with. All I want to do is give myself entirely. Wholeheartedly.
I stand alone. I couldn’t follow through. Commitment at this point was all too serious. It was much too intense.
I didn’t change. I told you I’ve been this way for a long time. The grim reality is that I’d rather remain this way because it’s so much easier.
Fucking up is fucking amazing to me.
I’m in love.
I’m in love with this life of spontaneity, of freedom, of solitude, of heart break.
Having to answer to no one is so damn grand.
Fucking the man i want, who doesn’t want me in return, is everything!
I’m doing the most while being the least and I’m loving every second of it.
I’m young and I’m free and I’m a little vixen. I can’t leave them behind. I adore each and every one in different ways and they love me in theirs.
You don’t understand that the reason why I’ve been pushing you away is because I expect a lot from you.
You know about my previous relationships and you of all people know what it’s like to see person after person, fuck body after body, have failure after failure; you know that I’m just as tired as you are.
Don’t you know that just because I know these things to be true about you it makes me want to be there for you even more? Aren’t you aware that I can be the woman you’ve been seeking? I don’t claim to know you completely; everyone is always changing and growing. I also don’t claim to be your savior; I am by no means close to being perfect but I have the desire. I have the desire to give everything I can to you.
It is clear to me that you’re unable. It is clear to me that I can not ask the same of you. So will you please? I beg of you, please, let me be. Leave me to find someone I can love freely. I’m so very tired. I can’t fix you and you don’t want me.
"I was in love for 3-5 days."
I was in high school; probably around sixteen. I couldn’t tell what age he was but I knew he was older than me. A short man wearing a back pack. His skin was tanned but not by choice. It was tanned because of his labor. A man like my father who was born in another country. Perhaps freshly moved he didn’t know the language.
Our paths would cross every morning around 6:45. I walked to school, up Rimpau, with my back pack on; he walked to his destination, down Rimpau with his back pack on. I smiled out of common courtesy every time we walked passed one another.
On one particular day as we went about our daily walks and met he said hello and handed me a rose. A deep red crimson rose with a single leaf on the side. It was beautiful and smelled fresh. He asked for my name and said I had a sweet smile. He said it was something he looked forward to every morning. I couldn’t. I knew he was older. I was a mere sixteen. I wasn’t even flattered. I thought it was the strangest thing and said out loud, “what the fuck?” as he walked away.