This is precisely why I tried “breaking up” with you around five times yet you kept coming back. Yet you claimed you didn’t want to be with me because you would fuck me over and you couldn’t have me hate you. I told you time and time again I wasn’t of the type. I wanted to be exclusively yours and you just couldn’t say the words; you just couldn’t tell me why. You didn’t know why but I’ve known you like the back of my hand.
I had to be 100% loyal to you right? I was the one missing the girl friend factor.
You would rather have dinner and drinks alone and text me when you’re bored in the restaurant because you figure you’d fuck me after; insulting texts for that matter. Days later I made you quesadillas just like you liked; all the while you commanded me to do so.
I call you so you can vent and tell me how awful your day is going and you hang up without a word in the middle of the conversation with no regards.
You ignore me after a certain hour. I’ve always answered your every text and every call (except for the one time I spent the night at my parent’s house) and I have been readily available; I spend all my nights alone.
I refused to fuck you before a party. You think you can just fuck me and go on about your night to meet other women so I ignore you all night. When I tell you I’m not around you threaten to “get some girls here.” When you realize I don’t care what you do I’m suddenly The Queen and its not even a good feeling because at the end of the “compliment” you type smh or zzzzz.
You never wanted me. The true insult lies in the fact that I’m blamed when you were never working towards anything but having your carnal desires fulfilled. Those were only a few examples of the way I was treated. How was I to act like the wife you so desperately seek? When you said to me about three times this last month; you told me that I wasn’t the one. You didn’t say those exact words but I knew why. You even made me feel like I wasn’t a woman and that I wasn’t wife material. That I wasn’t what women were supposed to be.
All the lies. All the typical things you love to say.
That I’m, “so pretty.”
That, “we should actually hang out this weekend.”
Asking me, “why am I even jealous about this?”
That every time you, “talk to someone or meet someone they’re lame compared to…” me.
That you miss me, “sup with that?”
That you, “hate to stay away from [me] for so long.”
That you think of me, “like all the time now.”
That we should, “spend a night somewhere one of these weekends its pretty cheap.”
How much were your lies going to escalate? After a whole day of you telling me all these nice things we’d have sex and the next day I wouldn’t get one text from you until you felt like having sex again. That supposed weekend we were going to see each other I don’t even get one text from you. What if this sorry excuse of a break up hadn’t happened just how far would you have gone? I bet you would have given me a false title of girl friend yet nothing would have changed and I would have kept being treated as I’ve been.
Everything I’ve said to you I’ve genuinely felt and it’s all been your doing. It’s all your doing the way I’ve behaved. This was all unnecessary for you to do. All of this making me fall for you. How stupid for me to think you were beginning to fall for me. Do you understand how despicable this is? I curse the day I laid eyes on you. I saw you trying to sneak that peak and you were beautiful. The flash of your elbow turning the corner. Tall and lanky with your soft skin. I knew it even then that something would have to transpire.
Just for you to say that this was all a waste of time when I experienced so many things with you that I never had before and it was all so incredible that it was scary even. Fear instilled by a pleasure so grand I fear I may never have that connection with another being for as long as I live.Those were some of the best moments of my life to date. You made me feel so alive I nearly cried that last time. The pleasure it came in these enormous waves; crash after crash on an alcove. You were caressing me and we looked into each other’s eyes for the first time. Can you remember how you looked at me with those damned clear eyes of yours? It was enough for me to look away and cower because I felt it and for the first time it was reciprocated. It didn’t need to be spoken: I saw it.
And what if this had never happened? What if we made that trip to Palm Springs? I could have woken up next to you, our warm naked bodies entwined, staring into your eyes as I did for that solitary time.
All thrown away when this was all something so easily over looked. All we would have to do is wait one week and vow to be together, loyal, and happy, but you don’t love me. You don’t care for me.
Well you wasted your own time, honey. I tried to let you go early on. Now I’m in this long and highly anticipated agony. And I bet its only me who feels this way. You’ll just keep fucking the pain away; you’ll keep doing what got us in this (or out of this for that matter) in the first place.
Thank you for all this amazing literature.